The Coffee Ritual

By Her Whollyness, Rev. Saint Pope Oblivion


You will need for the ritual, definitely:

  • Folger's Crystals in a small bowl or round-bottomed mug
  • A coffee mug full of steaming coffee just the way you like it
  • A spoon (athame)
  • Frappuchino in a goblet
  • Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans

Other recommended Items: (not needed but add to the atmosphere)

  • Censer with burning charcoal and good coffee grounds as incense (air quarter)
  • Brown candles
  • One of those funky Coffee Candles (fire quarter)
  • Cauldron of used coffee grounds (earth quarter)
  • Statuette of Caffeina if you have one (and if so how much do you want for it)

EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN IS THE USE OF DECAF!

Cleanse The Sacred Space

Take your Folger's Crystals and sprinkle them about in a clockwise manner, saying:

Folger's Crystals, as ye scatter
Make the outside world not matter
Make hot water nice and brown
In You all sorrows I will drown

Repeat as necessary.

Use the spoon to cast the circle.

Call The Quarters

(AIR)

Cappuchino, steamy headed
Lord of Coffee as a treat!
I prithee guard our circle to the East
As jealously as I guard the in my repast.

(FIRE)

Rasted Bean of the South,
Juan Valdez be thy Name!
Keep away all imposters
Be they Postum or Sanka.

(WATER)

Coldest of the Java,
I call on thee, Iced Latte
Thou wast born as exalted Cappio
Keep thy Western vigil over us.

(EARTH)

Forbidden Delicacy, doubly divine
Chocolate-Covered Espresso Bean
Abrosia of the North, the Jumpy Bean
Thy whopping caffeine content keepest thou alert.

Charge Of The Coffee Goddess

Heed ye now the words of the Great Mother Caffeina, who is know by many names, Java, Arabica, Espresso, Maxwell House, Cafe Bustello, among others:

When ye have Mr. Coffee, lo, I am among you. I dwell e'en in the cheapest and coarsest of grind and yea, cold weather maketh me palatable. For I am the Mother, She-Who-Waketh-You-In-The-Morning; e'en by my perfume do I wake you. And I dwell in the Coffee Houses, temples where the bean of my fruit sitteth in lidded bins for your Sniffing Enjoyment, and where you can sip of my potion with sugar, cream, and other Brothers and Sisters. Drink of me and enjoy me all the night through. Mine is the ecstacy of the Caffeine Buzz, and by that Buzz ye shall know I am with you; and ye shall feel empty and sleepy without me. Drink ye the whole carafe of my potion, for my Law is Good To The Last Drop. Keep with you a chalice always to receive me, for ye never know. In return I only ask of you that ye keep awake, as I am Caffeina, She-Who-Sleeps-Not, too. (And slip ye an occasional chocolate to my little sister, Cocoa, she getteth jealous.)

Bless The Feast And Libation (over the Frappuchino)

HP: Wet and sweet

HPS: Cream and sugar

HP: Black as night

HPS: Bitter as death

HP: Be it from the bean or the crystal

HPS: But never from the green decaf jar

BOTH: Wake up and smell the coffee!

(over the Espresso Beans)

HP: Beans beans the musical fruit
HPS: The more you eat'em the more you toot
HP: The more you toot the better you feel
HPS: Let's have beans with EVERY meal!
BOTH: It's not just a bean, it's an adventure.

(eat drink and be merry)

Dismiss The Quarters

Farewell, ye mighty coffees of the [each direction in turn], we are grateful for your attendance at our ritual and minding the circle; and ere ye part we praise you, "The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Coffee In Our Cup.

Close Your Circle Now.