Coming of Age: Age 13--Age 20
Coming of Age: Age 13--Age 20
At 13, the child should be told that he's going to be going on a 7 year journey to full Adulthood. That this is the starting point and 20 will be the ending point. At 16, there'll be a pause in the journey, to check out the lay of the land, re-think, etc.
The child should be told that every year, from now till 17, on his/her birthday, they will be given both new privileges and new responsibilities. Each privilege, each responsibility, will train and define them as adults. At 18 they'll be a legal adult--all responsibilities, all privileges theirs. But it won't be until the 20th birthday that there will be a ritual to officially end the journey.
13 YEAR OLD RITUAL:
This should be a spend-the-night-alone ritual. There should be an adult near by, but otherwise, the child should be on their own for the night, either camping out in the wilderness, or alone in the house. (If necessary, you can put the kid out in a tent in the back yard for the night--or in a room at someone else's house).
Tell the child, some weeks in advance, that they're going to spend their night alone making a gift box (a time capsule) for their 20 year old self. Encourage them to have a theme for their time capsule, a focus.
On the night of their 13th birthday, have them take with them any and all items they want to put in the box, as well as the box itself. Provide them with arts and crafts items to decorate the box. They should also, during the evening, write up a list of questions to put in their box for their older self. Tell them that they will also, this night, search for their spirit guide/totem/guardian Angel, whatever; a force, spirit or deity to help them on their 7 year journey to Adulthood. You should have a brief sending off ritual with parents, family, friends, and the kid's Goddess-Mother and God-Father.
You should gift the child with the tools that his/her Goddess-Mother, God-Father made for him/her at their naming ritual; these are for his/her use now, so that he/she can use them in the ritual they will do tonight. Ask the gods to bless the kid, and help him/her on the first step of their 7 year journey!
Then have everyone march the kid, with sleeping bag, picnic basket, items for the box, etc. (no walkman, no electronic games!) to whereever. Say good night, and leave the kid to find him/herself! Have a vigil going nearby, so that if the kid gets in trouble, he can call out (perhaps a beeper?).
In the morning, go get the kid. Celebrate at breakfast, and give the kid his/her first new privileges, new responsibilities. And then put the special, completed gift box (time capsule) away in a safe place, to be given to the kid 7 years from now.
Special note: Right after this ritual, you should encourage your child, if you haven't before now, to set up his/her own altar in their own room (or change his/her altar now that he/she has new tools and a new guardian). Help them find other tools to compliment the two new ones, and a figure/symbol to represent his/her new-found spiritual guide/deity/totem.
16 YEAR OLD RITUAL:
Find an adult that the kid respects, admires, and loves; a favorite uncle/aunt, friend or teacher. Arrange for this friend to take him/her and a group of friends away for a weekend retreat of sailing, hiking, horseback riding, canoeing, or just to a remote bed-and-bath somewhere.
The retreat should have a THEME and a GOAL. The THEME should be relevant to whatever is foremost in the kid's life, whatever is causing him/her trouble or confusion. The GOAL should be to build, make, create or accomplish something (like making a quilt, sculpting a statue, whatever). With this in mind, have the friend take the kid and his/her best buddies away, for a weekend of rituals, talk, and "finding themselves".
Special note: You might urge the kid to use this weekend to find a new, adult name for him/herself, and to go through a naming ritual when they return--as a conclusion to the entire weekend.
20 YEAR OLD RITUAL:
Invite friends and family, serve champagne, CELEBRATE! Have the box on the altar, and give it to the Adult to take home and open as his/her congratulatory Adulthood gift to him/herself. Re-introduce him/her to the gods; he/she's among the ranks of adults now, fully and completely, and this Maturity journey is at an end. A new one is just beginning. Raise a cone of power to wish him/her well for the future.
Those are MY thoughts on Adulthood rites for our modern age, with our modern laws and modern knowledge of how the body and mind develops. What I think is the most important element toward making these rituals successful is for the parents to take what they mean seriously. You can't have this ritual and then go back to treating your kid the way you treated him before. That is what the yearly privilege/responsibility is all about.
Types of privileges/responsibilities might include: getting your kid his/her own phone line (or, if they share a room with a younger sibling, their own room. Privacy and owning your own, is part of what we identify with adulthood), or give them their own clothing budget. Tell them they're to go out and shop for their own clothes from now on. A responsibility might be for you to tell them that from now on, they're responsible for doing their own laundry or, when they're older, for paying their own bills (including the phone bill). And as you give them these privileges and responsibilities, treat them a little differently, more like an adult; to be respected, considered an equal, consulted in family matters, etc., but also expected to act like an adult.